We plan on doing the legal stuff before the end of the year, and having the real ceremony later so we can claim independent for school and taxes.
Not sure how the parents will react about the quick legal stuff, hopefully they aren't disappointed, but the fact is that we are already married in all senses of the word besides the legal stuff, we've already had those vows and promises made to each other and this isn't going to change anything except the legal stuff. So, we just don't see any point in waiting and this way our parents won't have to pay for school anymore. We'll just explain how we feel and hopefully they will still be just as excited : ]
I need a day off.
Something cool happened today. I was thinking about an old friend from high school that I hadn't heard from for a while, planned on messaging her on the internet, and out of the blue at like 10 at night I get a text message from her with her new cell number and asking how I was. That's crazy!
There are too many intersecting lines that I need to make parallel.
There is a life in me. A life that with a feeling, a longing, a need, fills me and radiates with my pulse, but that is compressed and trapped by the nature of reality around me. This is no excuse. I need to be, I need to do what makes this feeling stay, but in a constant, satisfying, complete sort of way but I still don't know what or where it is. I feel I am cheating myself, and basically committing suicide of my soul through suffocation if I don't fix these lines. The feeling is necessary to my soul like breathing is to my body. I am half dead without it. And just floating about. Routinely. This is not how I am meant to live this is not what I'm meant to do this is not what I'm meant to be this is not what I'm meant to feel. I can't completely escape reality, but there is no reason I can't live in my world for the most part parallel with it. There's something out there that I must find to do that will sustain both my physical and spiritual being and life as well as my family's. Parallel with the reality that surrounds me. I'm searching but I need to search harder and with more determination. I need to stop being lazy. I need to stop letting my surroundings make me lazy and unproductive. I need to go in my directions to find it. I need time.
infinite.
time.
space.
beauty.
love.
independent.
intelligent.
open minded.
loyal.
Unique.
creative.
eccentric.
natural.
beautiful.
perfect.
D Scale
evening.
twilight.
sunset.
dusk.
moonlight.
beauty.
escape.
dream.
love.
poet.
song.
feeling.
belief.
expression.
ambiance.
color.
experience.
life.
infinite.
time.
space.
beauty.
love.
This is like the world in which I live
I mean, no, I didn't go out partying or drinking with this girl on the weekends, didn't really hang out with her much outside of school functions/sports, and didn't keep in close contact after high school, but if you knew me, you'd know I don't do friends like this anyway. Though we were not "best friends" in the least, I do consider this girl one of the closest things to a friend that I took from middle/high school, which is rare for me to say about anyone. She really was a good person. She was nice. Which, is VERY rare for me to say about most people I got to know in high/middle school. I knew her from the time I came to Sheridan in 7th grade because of the basketball team. We were the 2 best players of our class all of middle school and high school, and the only 2 girls from the class who even played after like freshman or sophomore year. My examples may sound trivial in comparisson to what most would consider a friendship, but as I mentioned before, my friends aren't grown from getting fucked up on the weekends. Well, basketball is what created our friendship. So, basically for half of each year for 6 years or so, we were big parts of a team, and usually even leaders of that team, especially freshman year on jv and junior and senior years on varsity. We were automatic partners at all times. We were the two freshman that made the jv team, and 2 of the 4 jv players that got to dress varsity and sit the bench together at state. She was the one to listen to my bitching about coaching and stupid basketball playing, and support and agree with me, yet also help calm me down and keep my mouth shut, for my game's sake. I was the one to listen to her bitch about arguments with her dad or her brother, not to say anything negative about her family, they are all absolutely wonderful, it's just that normal teenage stuff that we both understood. I was the assist, and she was the finisher. She was always ready to kick it up to me on a fast break. We really knew how the other played, and could read each others' eyes and predict the other's next moves. There really is something to being team mates like that, especially so close like we were. She was always the best at one on one at camp, and I was the free throw champ, but she usually did better at free throws in games. We spent so much time at basketball stuff over the summers, practices, meetings, lifting, games, not to mention classes we may have had together. We really had fun. We were damn good pranksters too. And sneaky to the MAX!! Once we stole some of the freshmen's keys from their bags while they were playing in a game at one of the camps, and totally trashed their rooms. We toilet papered shit, duct-taped shit, and stole their mattresses. We stuffed the mattresses in the elevator and tried to take them to the cool top floor we had discovered earlier, but quickly found out that they hold some sort of meetings up there and that those people will report you for moving mattresses!! So we had to stick them in one of the other team mates' rooms lol. And we were some of the inventors of mattress surfing as well. She made the craziest facial expressions, and had an awesome scary voice lol great for prank phone calls. Oh, and she was ALWAYS the one with candy. We always had the freakin' stocked room at camps. We knew we could trust each other, and that was very comforting at least for me.
Technically, I knew her first when I was very young, her aunt and cousins babysat me from the time I was 6 months old. Her aunt, mom and grandma are all AWESOME cooks. And her grandma would sew us all kinds of boxer shorts to match. I really like her family A LOT and they like me too.
Ok, so why I'm annoyed: facebook people. Some of these people that write stuff on her wall about missing her so much and all this stuff, and I mean, you just KNOW that they are those stupid ass fake idiots just doing it for god knows what, attention or to feel sorry for themselves or act like they actually lost something like some people really did. And don't get me wrong, plenty and most of those people that type things on there really were friends with her, and no doubt closer friends than her and I were, and I know for the most part who those people are, whether because of knowing them through high school or knowing from her talking about them or just being able to tell, you know? And I respect these people and their interest in expressing their memories and grievances however they wish. BUT, there's just those few that just really fucking irritate you, you know? You know the kind of people I'm talking about. They are full of shit, selfish, self-centered and annoying as fuck. I don't care what they write or how commercially "nice" it is, or if it sounds like a god damn hallmark card, it's empty, it's meaningless, and cold. It is no more than words, and they are not for her, they are for themselves, stupid fucking idiots. They've got no idea how to fucking feel, act or think for themselves. I just really don't understand the world around me I guess. I mean, these people are looked at as normal, am I the only one that sees this shit and gets pissed about it?
Ok, I'm taking offense to something that I know I probably shouldn't, it's just that I really do have respect for this girl and the person that she was, and we had a very unique and close friendship, though most wouldn't understand it because it wasn't normal. Like I said we weren't best friends, I'm not trying to act like we were, and we were very different, but we had a sort of unique understanding of each other, and we shared something as two very set apart team mates in basketball that we shared with no one else, and no one else can say that. No one else had the relationship that I did with her, not at all to say that it was closer or better than anyone else's or any of her best friends', because it wasn't. It was just different and she was important to me in my life in a way and time that no one else was, and I hope I was that for her too, and I think I was if even a little bit.
It just annoys me and pisses me off how people who had nothing real with this person act like they suffered such a great loss, and like they were best friends with her just because they may have drank with her in high school, or remembered to type fucking "happy birthday" on her facebook wall, or because they even type to her after she passed, or because they went to her god damn showing or funeral or both. God that is so fucking lame. They weren't even at the hospital that night, they weren't crying with and hugging her mom and aunt, they weren't whispering in her grandma's ear "Don't make me kick your ass" because that's an inside joke they have. They weren't any of her real friends that I saw there that night, the girls from high school that she was so close with, even though I wasn't close with any of them. So many were really there for her, and I knew they were closer to her at that time than I was, and I felt for them too. But FUCK the idiots who act like such better friends now that her body's dead than they ever did when it was alive, and that's what's so fucking bullshit and that's the point I'm making I think. They are nicer now that she's gone, and no one should fucking be like that but so many are. I swear to god, that if any dumbasses tried to act like that if I encountered an untimely death, I would be automatically replying from the stars "Shut the fuck up, you were never a real friend." But, I don't think that many people would do that to me any way, because I'm not as nice as Megan was. She really was nice.
This post's a mess I know, I just had to express some of the tangled, unorganized thoughts immediately.
Mistrust used to be foreign but now seems to stay.
When Neptune is calling I can't help but stray...
And that's why I'm leaving, today.
You don't know me. You may not even know how much you don't know me. Most all of you have never and will never experience the kinds of thoughts and processes that go on in my head. Most of you don't know my middle name. Most of you don't know that I hold a couple school track records, and placed at state before quitting after my sophomore year. Most of you don't know how much I'm not like you. Most of you don't know I was a valedictorian of Sheridan in 2007, and that to this day, over two years later, I have had classmates, students, teachers, and parents approach me and remember me because of the speech I made. Most of you don't know that I painted my prom dress and some high top chucks to match, and how at my senior prom I stayed for approximately 10 minutes before having my date drive me to town so I wouldn't miss my then near future boyfriend and husband's performance on the square for the Bicentennial. Most of you don't know what love is, and don't know what you're missing. Most of you don't know that I would very likely rather spend time hanging out with my dog or most other animals than with you. No offense, we just have much more in common. Most of you don't know that my best friend now lives in Arizona, and that I rarely if ever see any of the humans that I know as real friends, and that that changes nothing. Most of you don't, and will never know how I can so easily see right through you. Most of you don't know my philosophical, religious, spiritual, scientific, ect. beliefs, or how I would be interested to know yours especially if they are very much your own. Most of you have no idea how different and comparatively alone I am. Most of you don't know how much I love talking to my dad, or Gabriella's mom when they are drunk. Most of you don't know that I like to play lots of different instruments, but I'm not great at any of them because I don't stick with any for long periods and get discouraged easily, especially since living with one who is basically a musical genius compared to the vast majority of the world. Most of you don't know how frustrated I get with how things are around me. Most of you don't know what maple trees, helicopter seeds, and the name Acer means to me. Or what the moon, the stars, the sky, the forest, the farm, the lake, fake plastic grapes, Myrtle Beach, chicken alfredo, turkey/waffle/dorito sandwiches, the word pretty, the Sheridan art room and closet, the bench on the corner of the square and Arizona tea, the old Zanesville High School, Brandon Johnson, Jerry and Jesse Bendure, Dane Cook, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, card games, and the song "The Luckiest" mean to me. None of you, save one, maybe a couple, have any clue what Austin means to me. Most of you don't realize what's really important in this physical life. Most of you are robots: predictable and blind, a body with chemical reactions. Oh, and most of you won't read this, so you, and even those who do, still don't know me at all. You've got an interesting start with some of those fun facts though.
Space:
- Is there an end/beginning?
- Is it expanding, and if so, does that mean it has ends?
- Even if there are ends to the universe, does that mean there is nothing beyond those ends?
Time:
- Could the past/present/future all be occurring simultaneously?
- Is there any such thing as time?
- Does time have substance, and does it somehow flow?
- Would traveling faster than the speed of light take you back in time?
- With time as the fourth dimension, what could a 5th, 6th and so on, dimension consist of or be like?
Soul/Spirit:
- When do our bodies acquire a soul/spirit? At the moment of conception? At the moment of birth? Ever?
- Do all bodies have souls/spirits?
- Do all animals have souls/spirits?
- Do plants then have souls/spirits?
- What about the death of the body releases the soul? What of the body is capable of trapping the soul?
-Is our spirit simply one of a higher dimension that our bodies' physical senses cannot immediately experience?
I am not like everyone else. I am not a robot. I am more than just chemical reactions and electrical impulses. So why am I trapped in this body, in this world? Where I am now in my belief and hope is that my purpose in this physical world is to go on a learning journey to find my soul mate, true love, and grow with him and join spirits never to be separated in life or after life. I feel the need to teach, to share, and to promote love, creativity, open mindedness and true knowledge of what is real and important. I have found my soul mate, I have found that connection and am ready to further the connection to the highest consciousness and beyond. I am ready to live as one spirit, one soul, and one love. I feel I'm just not yet sure of the steps needed in order to connect to and live through the higher realm for which my spirit longs. I also feel very strongly about having a child, almost as if his soul is already in me, and I absolutely feel that every minute that goes by without him in my physical life is one I let waste without him. I am quite content and happy with my life, I feel I am one of the luckiest and rarest people alive, but I also fear the limitations time puts on the physical world, not to mention the hate and destruction humans bring into it as well. I know what is and is not important in life, and it is very hard to keep focus and dedication on those important things when we are stuck in a society that forces us to waste so much time in order to live comfortably and provide for our loved ones. I feel I am a mother in spirit, but that stupid shit like money is holding me back from bringing that huge part of my spirit alive. I feel him, I dream of him and I see him. He is just waiting for me. But, now this makes me think: If he is with me in spirit currently, would it be help or harm to bring him into this physical world and trap him in a body like mine? Is it necessary to bring him into this world in order to give his spirit life? Is this physical journey ultimately pointless if your soul has already found its place? No, though my mind can wander here, I simply cannot accept this route as a possibility. This would dub physical life absolutely pointless, and I would rather continue on a path of hope, be it false or not. Only in the end will I know, or will just be gone not knowing at all the difference between knowing or not. I want so badly to experience a physical connection with Acer as well as heighten the spiritual one, and for Austin to do the same. Maybe only through establishing the physical attachment to our child and consequent heightening of our spirit energy will we truly be able to live from a higher self as one in each other. Maybe this is why I feel so strongly the need and want to bring Acer into our lives. Maybe his soul's physicality is necessary for our souls' spirituality. But if this is what is necessary for us, why is this not the case for all bodies? Is it that, then, that not all bodies have souls, or maybe that not all souls are of the same caliber? What then would determine the power of any certain soul in any certain body? Could mental capacity or delusion of a certain body affect the strength of the spirit within? If so, why is this? What connects the soul to the mental or the physical? Is it the same thing or at least going in the direction of how the 4th dimension time is connected to our 3 dimensional physical lives here in this universe? Could, then, it be seen as true that time as the 4th dimension is as closely bound if not closer to us than our very own soul? This could make sense, because ultimately it is time, not our soul, that brings an end to our physical selves. So then could our spiritual selves be the 5th dimension of our universe? I can't comprehend what would be beyond that as a 6th or 7th ect. though if that were the case. But, maybe that too makes sense. Is our solitary soul maybe the 5th dimension and beyond that is our soul combined with another's in love? Or would that still just be the 5th... And if our spirit's as the fifth dimension put an end to time as the 4th, when would this happen and how? Would this be an immediate thing, occurring nearly simultaneously with the end of our 3 dimensional physical lives? Maybe time does flow through us as physical beings, but cannot flow through the spirit, which I like the sound of because I hope for the spirit to be eternal somewhere in the universe. But if I connect the 3rd, 4th and 5th dimensions in such ways, can I logically connect the 1st and 2nd ones as well? Hm... this is difficult because of the seemingly huge differences between the 3rd 4th and (possible) 5th dimensions, and seemingly much less significant differences between the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. There is just something missing. There is something about the difference between inanimate objects and living beings that is holding me back. But I have grasped the way the 3rd sort of flows through the second as previously proposed that the 4th flows through the 3rd. If we imagine ourselves in a room and the air around us as organized into flat, 2 dimensional planes stacked together, we can imagine ourselves as 3 dimensional beings walking through those stacks of air as 2 dimensional planes and therefore sort of flowing through the 2 dimensional. Obviously air consists of 3 dimensional particles, but just go with the idea I'm trying to explain. Does the three dimensional disruption of the 2 dimensional create the same effect as time does on the physical 3d? Does it "put an end" to the 2 dimensional? Maybe we could see it as that. Surely the 2d is at the least quite over shadowed by the 3d we live in, but what about the contents of a picture, or the television screen? Or, must these be taken technically as 3d too? Could we see it as this: the contents of a picture or a tv screen are contained within a 3d object, so therefore ended by that object. Possibly. And potentially the relationship between 1d and 2d could be seen the same way. A difference still remains though in that these are all immediate ends, except for time's apparent effect on the physical, unless of course the past, present and future are all happening in the same instant, which would eliminate this difference completely. So maybe then it is all connected the same way, on dimensional things are (I can't think of the word I'm looking for so we'll go with.. ) confined within 2 dimensional things, 2d things are stuck inside 3d things, 3d things including us, are stuck in time and time is consumed by the 5th dimension (possibly our spirit). Ok so it is still weird as far as feeling more connected with and affected by the spirit than with time, especially when considering the effect time has on the 2 dimensional and the effect the 3d has on the 1d. I mean, I feel like I am my spirit, I don't feel like I am time. But, I guess who's to say that there are laws to these relationships. Maybe there is at first, but they just get more and more obscure and jumbled as you get more and more complex, kind of just like the laws of physics. All I know is that I really know nothing. But, I sure don't think I'm a robot like some scientists and psychologists seem to think we are. No, not me. And, by the way I do apologize because I know my typing has only gotten worse the later it has gotten! Maybe this is a good resting point for the night.
Ok well I may personally be on to something here so I feel that this was productive and I will revisit and continue this sometime or should I say I will continue to continue it now, just the future now lol. AAAAhaha wtf ever, I know. Lame and it's 5 in the morning so give me a break. Oh and by the way this big paragraph wasn't suppose to be an answer to all of those thinking questions listed above it, it's just where my head went so I took my fingers along for the ride.
Finally, another little bit I thought of real quick.
Art:
- Could the vast forms of art be a second, more accurate and telling medium for communication of the soul?
- Do poetry, music, dance, light color and sound create a better understanding of the workings and messages of the spirit?
- Mood:Obviously Philosophical
SO. I heard a man on "That's Impossible" utter what I think to be something to the effect of, "Some have a utopian idea of world peace, but that would be against human nature and if we go against human nature we are no more than lab rats."
OK. Obviously this is not a perfectly direct quote, it was a while ago I watched the show and I didn't completely catch it even when I heard it but I dwelled on it long after. I honestly hope that I have something BIG mixed up, because otherwise I find this man absolutely insane and that would affect my enjoyment of the show.
NOW. I've only seen this show a couple times and it is definitely quite interesting though very scary and horribly sad at times. Like this one. It was about mind reading and control and new technology already and currently being developed to do just that. To put what I picked up from the show simply, scientists or whoever else does this stuff have created and are on the road to furthering types of machines that can measure, distinguish between, and basically translate the electrical impulses in our brains that make up one's thoughts. Apparently the claimed motivation for this work is to help the mentally impaired, and of course some talk of deterring terrorists was thrown around too. The futuristic plan of these "intellectuals" is a possible mind reading wi-fi if you will. This is the kind of stuff that makes me question whether or not I want to bring new life into our world if it means my children growing up in and living through such a future.
ALSO. I have come this far from the introdution of my inspiration without mentioning the fact that the opinion I quoted was for the advancement of mind reading and mind control technology. Can anyone even attempt to explain to me how reading and controlling other people's minds is more in line with human nature than being civil to fellow mankind? And how the hell could we be any more like nothing but lab rats if the government or whoever had the power to read and control our thoughts?? Goodbye creativity, uniqueness, originality, rationality, ect... Please, anyone. Though I personally am awed by the motives and intentions of many humans' apparent nature almost daily, I still seem to give our species as a whole the benefit of the doubt when it comes to whether or not interpersonal peace, civility, and acceptance are more appealing to our nature than violence, selfishness, hate, and disrespect. But, god who knows, I could be casting blind hope for a majority in which I really have little faith.
BUT. Even if human nature is more like something that would lead the best of the worst of us toward wanting to read and control everyone's minds for whatever benefit, or to choose violence or hate over peace or love, is it not rational, logical, intelligent, and just plain better to go against and work toward changing our harmful or negative human nature? What if human nature really is different from the nature of love or the nature of the spirit? What if human nature is merely the biological in a life where there (potentially (such a whole seperate subject)) is so much more? If so, if this is even possible, would it not be favorable for human kind, not to mention the earth itself, to attempt to transform their nature or to become more in touch with the more positive nature of love or the spirit (that is if in fact the nature of their spirit is not negative)? I without a doubt believe it would be. Am I missing something here, or is there hardly any question in these questions?
WELL. Even if this thought provoking quote is nothing more than a complete fabrication of my wandering brain, at least it got me writing : ] and if it weren't almost 5 in the morning I would have elaborated much further. Maybe I will come back to this idea again. But sadly either way this reveals much unfortunate reality. I still have hope, though. All it takes is some actually important, down to earth, common sense intelligence, and some love and respect for oneself and others to stay real and true to what human nature is, or at least what it should be. COME ON PEOPLE.
Not everything's impossible.
- Music:Ben Folds
Ohio misses you, friend.
I am so lucky to have a second family like this :D)D)D)D)D
I LOVE game nights!!
P.S. We just got a Wiiiiiii!!!!! Yeahhhh!!! Woo
- Mood:Lucky!
- Music:FishtankBubbles
Grandpa Gene would you sing to me?
Tell me 'bout the war
Tell me more of your stories and
Just what you were fightin' for
You fought for your mom, you fought for your brothers
You sent all you had right home
And when they bought cars danced and drank in the bars,
You stuck your left thumb out to leave
Grandpa Gene would you sing to me?
Tell me 'bout California
Where beaches were home, and porch stoops alone
'Til they brought out their guns to warn you
Yes their arms were cold but yours still were bold
And you turned them home just in time for you to find
The love that you'd been searching for
Grandpa Gene would you sing to me?
Tell me 'bout my grandma
Such beauty you met that even after she left
Your eyes never strayed from upon here
These pictures I see yeah they sing to me
And they tell me a story 'bout Hawaii
The sunshine and the sand, you and grandma hand in hand
........................................
Now you smoke your pipe tobaccy and you drink that old milwacky
And you dance and sing to all your kids and family
And don't you know your my hero
Yes Pappaw I do love you so
Yes Pappaw we all love you so
Born of moonlight and maple seeds he will be, just waiting for home to call.
- Mood:introspective
I wish I had fireworks more often.
These are only the beginning
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lafleurdelalune- Une Fleur De La Lune
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