I just finished blowing the whole neighborhood!

Er, I mean, removing snow...

THE ARISTOCRATS?

---

But yeah, it seems that any time I'm out there this winter without a working pair of headphones on, I'll be doomed to add a couple verses to The Snow Shovelin' Song.



Bring the snow wicked,
Bring the snow wild,
Now give a shovel
To every big child.

Then send them out here
To work like the rest,
And believe me, we'll get them
Movin' snow like the best!

Now you from the Southern states
May think us uptight
Because we like it best
When everything's White.

But we can explain that,
So I'll tell you this -
The only time snow's colored
Is when it's colored with dog piss.

Okay, so I was going through some of my old yearbooks since I'm home for the holidays, well, for like two days anyway. I came upon them and decided to look through them, knowing the lulz they would inevitably bring. Here's some of the funny things I came across.

First Grade -- Wells Elementary 1996 - 1997

Well, there wasn't much in there, but in the front cover, I wrote in big letters "I LIKE SCHOOL." Also, in the back where you could write out a list of your friends, I just listed all the first grade teachers. I guess I've always been a nerd.


Second Grade -- Skaggs Elementary School 1997 - 1998

Here's a little fill-in-the-blank thing I filled out. My handwriting was surprisingly good. I have typed it up here:
[Underlines are what I filled in. I kept my spelling as it was.]
This year I am in the 2 grade and 8 years old. My favorite subject is Homeroom. [Lol, I was an effing genius.] My friends are Danielle, Alyssa, Natalie, Depak, Robert, Brinti [wtf?], Stephanie. What I like most about Skaggs is my friends and teacher. Activities or clubs I participate in none. [Seems I never changed from that.] I am good at writing stories. [Wow, again, never changed.] When I grow up, I want to be a artist & palintagist. [Lolwut?] My Signature [Insert cute little kid signature].


Third Grade -- Beverly Elementary 1998 - 1999

So, there's this little insert in the back that's in color. It basically sums up all the pop culture and whatnot that happened during the course of that year. It's awesome looking back now and seeing how outdated it is. I'm going to type up some of the funnier parts.
News:
Glenn--John Glenn, 77, becomes the oldest astronaut when he's launched into space in October, 36 years after his first space flight.
Robot--A video-conferencing robot called PEBBLES allows sick children to interact with their classroom from home. It even has an arm that can wave to get attention. [Little did they know these would be used by desperate teenage girls to get attention on the Internet by exposing themselves to strange old men.]
Fun:
Rugrats--The release of The Rugrats Movie, based on the hit TV series, is Nickelodeon's first animated feature. [I actually didn't know that. Cool.]
Lollipop--New battery-operated lollipop holders spin the actual lollipop and some even play music inside kids' mouths. [I totally remember these. Man, they were dumb; I loved them anyway.]
Barbie--WNBA Barbie is released in September. Each doll has magnets in her hands to hold the ball and a button on her back that allows her to shoot it. [Wow, technology.]
Animorphs--Human characters turn into animals on Nickelodeon's TV show Animorphs. [Oh, Animorphs...need I say more? Don't think so.]
Yo-Yo--Yo-yos regain their popularity with cool new colors and features. [I remember that. Although, I never really personally got into it. Jeepers, maybe they'll become popular again!]
Trykes--Tryes have the shape of tricycles with the stunt capabilities of bikes, skateboards, and in-line skates. [Wtf? I don't remember these. The picture looks dumb.]
Mulan--Walt Disney Pictures releases Mulan, a movie based on a story told in China for nearly 2,000 years about a brave Chinese woman. [Aw, I love Mulan. Probably the last good Disney film.]
A Bug's Life--The computer-animated film A Bug's Life is released in November. [Back when Pixar wasn't part of Disney.]
Furby--Furby, the year's must-have interactive toy, knows 200 words in both English and its own language, "Furbish." [Good God...I had one. No, I had two. Scary little things, God damn.]
[Then there's a section about "Amazing Kids" who collect pennies and pretend to care about other people or something. It wasn't very interesting.]
Sports:
Home Runs--Mark McGwire...and Sammy Sosa both break Roger Maris' record of 62 home runs. McGwire ends the season with 70 home runs, Sosa with 66. [No comment.]

[Nothing interesting happened in fourth grade. That's kind of a lie, but I got lazy.]

Fifth Grade -- Alkek Elementary 2000-2001

A little questionnaire thing in the front that I filled out. It's embarrassing, but here it is:
My name is: Alicia Ann Yeargin.
I am in grade: Five.
My favorite teacher is: Mrs. Kelley.
My best friends are: Kristy, Frank, Annie.
My favorite hobby is: HORSES.
I'm involved in these sports: HORSE riding.
My favorite TV show is: Simpsons, Garfield. [That's only because Mrs. Kelley was unhealthily obsessed with Garfield.]
My favorite music group is: A*TEENS. [Oh gawd, so embarrassing.]
My favorite song is: "Firefly" & "To the Music"


Sixth Grade -- Notre Dame Catholic School 2001-02

I filled out survey in the back. I typed it up:
Favorite Movie: Jeepers Creepers. [Before you laugh and stone me to death, I loved it in an MST3k way. Y'know, so I was kind of cool.]
Favorite TV Show: Simpsons. [Good ol' Simpsons.]
Favorite Song: "Jeepers Creepers" [I was a fucking riot. -.-]
Favorite Place To Go: Mall / Hill's house. [Oh, memories of that sad little mall in Kerrville...]
Favorite Saying: "Welcome to Chinese Fooood! What'cha you want?" [Kind of dates things. I haven't thought about Dude, Where's My Car? in a long time.]
Most Fun Day of the Year: All School Picnic. [Hilariously enough, I have absolutely no memory of this day. No clue what it even remotely could have been.]
Hardest Exam: Math. [I specifically remember Ms. Hillsabeck as being a hard teacher. She gave me the choice to take the easy math class or the hard one, and I willingly chose the hard one. Just like I willingly chose DigiPen. I have a long withstanding knack for being an educational masochist, it seems.]
Favorite Teacher: Ms. Carroll. [This surprised me. I loved Ms. Wise to death. I honestly forgot about Ms. Carroll. I guess she was nice or something.]
Favorite Subject: [Lol. That's all.]
Favorite Book: A Walk to Remember. [I don't like this book or movie at all anymore. It was so...bleh, too much, y'know? Not real. I thought I would have picked Harry Potter.]
Favorite Food: Ice Cream / Pizza. [Still true. Although, I would have to put maple doughnuts as number one.]
Favorite Sport: Volleball. [The whole three times I played it with my friends must have been great or something. I don't think I even touched a volleyball after sixth grade.]
Most Embarrassing Moment: [Interesting.]
Favorite Memory Of My School: My friends. [Aww. That's true. All my favorite memories involve my friends--and I...doing something ridiculous...ly awesome. amirite?]
Best Friends: Hill, Sada. [I'm not really sure how my friend, whose name is Sarita, acquired the nickname Sada. I also somehow acquired the nickname Addy.]
Favorite Video Game: Halo (Xbox). [See, guys? I was cool even when I was 12.]
A Special Honor I Received: State PSIA. [I think PSIA was like the private school version of UIL. If you don't know what UIL is, well, tough luck. Google. Anyway, I went to state in, don't laugh, oral reading.]
My Signature: [Insert illegible scribble with the 'A' as a star, followed by a heart.]

There's another one of those pop culture and whatnot color inserts in the back. Here are some of the interesting things from2001-2002.
In news:
- 9/11.
- Deaths of George Harrison, Jack Lemmon, and Aaliyah. [The latter was only 22. Gawsh, sad.]
In TV:
- Malcom in the Middle.
- Stats say children were watching more than two hours of television a day.
- Digimon and Pokemon are popular...and foreign.
- Spongebob Squarepants.
In music:
- Bizzy D. [Who the hell is that?]
- Mandy Moore is popular as a music artist.
- Faith Hill gains popularity.
- Aaron Carter.
- Usher.
- Alicia Keys. [The only famous person with my name, sigh. Oh yeah, and Silverstone.]
- 'NSync.
In movies:
- Shrek. [I still like this movie.]
- Cats & Dogs. [This was the movie I ended up going to see in theaters where a very elderly ticket-guy asked if I had brought any biscuits. It was awkward.]
- Monsters, Inc.
- Jimmy Neutron. [Funnily enough, this very movie once caused an entire argument within my whole family. I love my family.]
- Spy Kids.
- Jurassic Park III. [I actually went and saw this in theaters with my brother and dad. I don't remember a thing about it.]
- Harry Potter. [I still LOVE this movie.]
- A.I.
In Games:
- Xbox, caption: Microsoft finally goes head-2-head against Nintendo and Sony for their take on this home video game box.
Nintendo Gamecube, caption: Delivers a graphically rich environemnt, blurring the line between what's real and what isn't. [Lmfao.]
- Pokemon Scannerz.
- Bop It.
- Cadoo.

That was a hoot.

I know the breadth of my friends and their takes on spirituality (and lack thereof), and I know that this season can be a little bit chafing for mixed-faith families sometimes.

But a little memory from a long time ago popped up in my head today, and I had to go look it up, and I'm not scared to admit there are tears in my eyes as I'm listening to the song. It struck a chord just right.

Dar Williams, "The Christians and the Pagans" (Embedding disabled, but I do hope you follow the link.)

It's a solid example of the "girl with a guitar" folk song, but well-performed and sincere. The basic gist is Mom and Daughter have separated due to spiritual disagreements, but Mom calls Daughter and says, "Listen, it's Christmas. I don't care about all our differences, I just want you here at my table again, with all the family."

And yeah, it hits me beneath any armor I've built up. Sometimes a good song will catch you off-guard, but it's exactly what you need to hear at the moment.

I know this is a very special holiday season for many of my friends.

For those of you who celebrate the religious holiday, please accept my best wishes and thoughts in lieu of prayers.
For those of you who celebrate the secular rituals, may there be many glad tidings of Giftmas.

For those of you who do neither, I hope the three ghosts take it gently on you tonight.


I was out clearing driveways a while ago, and I get the feeling that each time I'm doing it this winter my Snow Shovelin' Song is going to grow another couple of verses.

Anyhow, I had my radio on the headphones to keep me going, and NPR had a moment to talk about Vince Guaraldi. It's the forty-fourth anniversary of "It's Christmastime, Charlie Brown," and Guaraldi's music is forever linked with seasonal nostalgia.
While the radio program played the theme to the Christmas special, I just enjoy "Linus and Lucy" better. I think I'll have to try and put together a cover on my own instruments. Speaking of 'interesting' covers of the song... Enjoy.



Unfortunately, my mom is going to be in the hospital over the holiday. I'll be directing her handbell choir tonight at the Christmas Eve service.

I blame zerocreature for getting me onto gaming humor again.


First, from the Steve Jackson forums, epic thread: "2000 MORE Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do In An RPG."

1032: No Serious Character Background should start with the words "My mother was a Hamster and my father smelt of elderberries!" (Even If I am a werehamster created in a Lab by an insane Wizard who was partial to elderberry cordial.)


Then, The Grimoire of Questionable Spells.

Examples: Damned Chant of the Flatulence Golem, Tickle Female Impersonator (ranged).



Finally, I recommend looking for the movie The Gamers: Dorkness Rising. Parody of RPG cliches, pretty well done.

---

I've got bananana bread in the oven. Today is baking day, most of my gifts are going to be platters of cookies and goodies. Nom.

I've been toying a bit with what combination my limited expertise in Neurolinguistic Programming plus an innate desire to tinker with the tickings of both my own head and those on my instant messenger friends list may combine to release upon the world.

Translation for the laymen:
I've been toying with my friends to further my skills in the art of mindfuckery, with mixed results. (Only to totally harmless ends, I promise.)


So yeah, knowing my own propensities, and thoughtful about how others react to trigger phrases that kick in double-hard in myself, I got curious. If friend B has a marked tendency toward discrete personae - i.e. If I can readily identify when friend B is in their "REAL PEOPLE" phase versus when they're in "ALTERNATE PEOPLE" phase - can I use dirty semantics tricks to induce an identity shift?


Basic script layout: (assuming I'm contacting casually, at an idle chitchat moment, on an instant messenger, and I know them well enough to know their 'real people' name off the top of my head)


Me: "Oh hi! Is RealName there?"
FriendB: "Hah, yeah, I'm here. What's up?"
Me: "Cool, well, you can let RealName go to sleep, I wanna talk to AwesomePersona right now."
FriendB: *chuckles* "Well, you got me now. So whatcha gonna do with me?"
Me: "Be awesome, naturally."



Obviously that's an ideal situation, but that's the basic script I was working from. First, use RealName (which I basically never use) to get Online Friend to snap out of their fantasy world and isolate full attention into "all masks down, srs bsns" mode.
Then, say "Now RealName go away, give me AwesomePersona," to take that full attention and snap it into "Hi, this is AwesomePersona, I believe you were asking for me?" kind of headspace.

A warning, if you try this trick at home, results are extremely unpredictable, especially if your friends are as involved into understanding the tinkerings of their own brains' workshops as I am, but you may learn a thing or two about how they (and you, in contrast) separate different identities.



( This is a harmless example, with others' names removed. )

Today's bit of random weirdness comes courtesy of dwaleberry in response to a request by drhoz. (mildly NSFW, language)




Also random fanboy squee:

Update on the mother: I got a call Saturday night from her. She was somewhat babbling and discombobulated, but the main gist of the message was that she was out of the Intensive Care Unit and generally being a firecracker to all the nurses again. She's in Vista East in Waukegan, can have visitors again, message me for contact info if you so desire.

---

stormdog informs us of important updates to the X-Men canon that are doubly apropos to those of us who are NPR listeners:
Nightcrawler got Logan to become a fan of This American Life. Road trip radio ftw.



I recently became reacquainted with one of my favorite series of furry fiction, The Blind Pig Gin Mill stories. For amateur genre fiction in a shared universe, these are generally VERY well written. Those of you well-acquainted with sci-fi might recognize the universe as a furry-themed cross between Spider Robinson's Callahan's place (the Platonic ideal of all things a bar should be) and the multiple-writer (George R.R. Martin edited, usually) Wild Cards universe (interstellar virus drops to earth, causing drastic physical shifts in the populace). If you don't know either of those, I highly recommend both series.

A trademark of these universes is taking an idealized fantasy world, and applying real-world sociology to it, so - in the case of the Blind Pig stories - these random folks struck by the transformational virus have actual life backgrounds from before they turned into anthro animals, and they have to deal with the kind of leper-colony reactions from realistic people and realistic politics. That wins points in my mind.



FAILblog has a positive little brother that's doubly awesome: Epic Win FTW.
See also: My Life Is Average, whereinwhich the submitters describe moments of weirdness from their daily lives which prove that weirdness is, in fact, the norm.


Finally, for those music geeks who are fans of The Prodigy: Here's how their hit single "Smack My Bitch Up" was recreated, with a step-by-step tutorial. (from furry_musicians)

Words, Wide Night by Carol Ann Duffy

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I am in love with you

and this is what it is like or what it is like in words.

I've recently added a new expletive phrase to my compendium of creative cursing.

"Motherfuck a one-eyed octopus."

Sadly, I'm only a quarter Welsh, so this puts me at a distinct disadvantage to your average Scotsman, but I'm still rather fond of this bit of wordcraft.

Wednesday morning, my mom went into Intensive Care. We don't have full information, but the CT scan seems to show no major problems. She just can't have any visitors for the time being. We'll keep updates with any significant changes.

Okay, moving on to the bizarre ways I've been occupying myself in the interim.

---

I'm working up a new e-wrestling character. I have a habit of handling gag comedy acts that start with a gimmick idea, then run it into the ground, then start digging a tunnel, that comes out on the other side of the earth, then end up building a tower on THAT side of the planet where somehow they become appreciated and successful.

The main reason I haven't been as active lately in fantasy wrestling is that I reached my peak writing with a partner who became like a brother to me, and I haven't found the same twisted fun in it on my own. He's taking care of a family lately, so he's got a valid reason to step back from such fooferaw. Anyhow, I got bit by the roleplaying bug again, so I decided to take an art-imitates-life tactic and contacted my local fedhead booker to knock some ideas around.

What I came up with: A Japanese puroresu jumping bean, coming to take your American tag-team gold glory belts, the amazing fantastic dynamic gymnastic:
ONO HEZONFAIA

*cue the piped-in cheers of "OH NOOOOOOOOOO!"*

Okay, he's meant to be a stereotype parody of the flash-in-the-pan one-month short-contract gimmick wrestler from overseas. For those of you who know and love professional wrestling, you know that means he doesn't speak English very well, and he has one really awesome move that he does over and over until it finally backfires on him.

Anyhow, he's very hung up on his contract, which is short but awesome. He's even got a stonefaced Japanese lawyer that he pulls out from behind the curtain when anybody tries to bust him on it, which is a very Japanese thing to do as I understand it. But he is here for Tagu! Teamu! Gloryuuu!

Yes, you may have noticed that there is a minor flaw in his plan here.
He doesn't have a partner.

So every week the heel boss (who wants this overseas team to win!) finds one of the monsters on the roster to team with this young upstart, who doesn't speak English very well and is an enormous prick about it all. After all, he is the boss, and ONO HEZONFAIA has a very binding document with which to find CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS toward said monsters.

But the tag team Kirasagi keeps winning (thanks to the partner-of-the-week doing most of the work), rising up the tag team ladder, and the face boss finds no loopholes in the Faustian document in which the Japanese lawyer has trapped him. Until the day comes where the tag team finally earns a shot at the championship belts, and it's time to sign a new contract for the title match. The face boss makes a big deal about the contract signing, ONO gets his Japanese lawyer to look it over, and signs his chop.

The big pay-per-view comes, it's time to face the champions... and word has gotten around the locker room that ONO is a big obnoxious prick that nobody wants to work with. Unfortunately, this new contract has him competing under his own name, not signed as the tag team, so he's CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED to face the tag team champions - alone.

Title match comes up, music and lights hit, ONO HEZONFAIA goes off to face the champions by himself... And puts on a five-star match. He hits his amazing acrobatic finisher, and gets the pinfall One Two Three! ONO has realized his dream of TAGU! TEAMU! GLORYU!

Which is, of course, the cue for the face boss to come onstage, backed with all the guys who refuse to work with ONO, holding up the very binding contract. "Congratulations, ONO, we're all very proud of your hard work and success. But next time, I'd suggest you get a lawyer who reads English a little better... Because this document in my hand states that, in the case of you actually winning the tag team titles, you are then CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED to defend them immediately - against a pair of drunken midgets."

Cue the drunken midgets. Much lulz ensue, the midgets do a schoolboy pushover, pin ONO and take the championship belts from him. Midgets lose the titles the next week on television to a legitimate team, ONO HEZONFAIA gets shipped back to Japan to be forgotten as a short-term gimmick act. Huzzah, curtain falls, ending credits play.

( Detailed stuff cut. Click if you're interested in the pro-wrestling details and polyglot wordplay. )

The young supplicant approached the master with a tray of apricots and a question.

As the two shared the sweetness of the apricots, the young supplicant posed his question to the master thusly:

"Master, if I were to be given three wishes, what should I wish for?"

The master chewed and sucked on a piece of apricot, then after swallowing, replied so:

"First, you should wish for enlightenment. For your second wish, you should wish to be free from all desires."

The supplicant responded, puzzled, "And for my third wish?"

The master answered, "What do you need with a third wish? Now hand me the last apricot."

Friday night, my mother caught her toe on a kitchen throw rug, and took a spill with her leg caught beneath her. She wouldn't let me call an ambulance, and we couldn't afford it anyhow. I just kept her talking, made sure she was warm where she sat on the floor, and got some ice on the sore knee. When my dad got home not too long afterward, we lifted her to her feet, and she couldn't put ANY pressure on the left leg. The two of us managed to get her to the car, and we took her to the hospital.

The leg is broken. If I heard correctly, the X-rays showed that she managed to crack the femur almost along the full length of the bone. She had to have pins and plates put in to stabilize and support the thighbone, so that meant surgery. Of course, the hospital was out of stock on the sixteen pins and two plates, so they had to ship in from the next town over the next day. Then, her potassium levels were dangerously high for some uncertain reason, so they had to put off the surgery one MORE day.

Sunday morning she finally went under the knife. She called when she was solid enough to speak for a while, and seems to be recovering just fine. All our family has been taking turns spending a few hours with her so that she has something to do beside read, quilt, or watch TV alone.


My friend Ben (Waza Dragon to the local furries) has been instrumental in keeping me sane these past few days. He's come over every day, just spending time hanging out and suchlike. The socialization has done me a world of good to bring me back to myself. Also very importantly, I made bluntly clear to him some of my habitual crutches in crisis situations, and having him around has given me a great reason to stay sober through this tough time.

---

Next, to file under "I was too busy with real life to blog about this beforehand,"
Sunday was the thirteenth, Luciadagen, the feast of St. Lucia, the light-bearer. Our family celebrates the traditional Swedish midwinter holiday. We don't have any girls to wear the crown of candles, but my brother and I both played the role of star-bearer with the tall cone cap as we sang with the Waukegan Swedish Glee Club's children's division, Förgät Mig Ej (Forget-Me-Not).

Ben helped me make Lussebullar, traditional Lucia Buns. Saffron buns, shaped as a figure-eight, with raisins in the little eyeholes.


( Embedded YouTube video cut for one less thing to load on your Flist feed. )
Later today I'll go visit my mom as she recuperates, and share the Lucia buns with her and all the nurses on staff.

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As a nonsequitur ending line, I feel the need to tell the story of a schwa simply to lighten to mood.

My brother, the NIU Alumnus, has a recording of his Huskies marching band performing the Huskies fight song with a... colorful ending.
Many of my friends on LJ either went to Northern Illinois University or know someone who did, so y'all are familiar with the traditional ending.

H! U! S! K! I! E! S! ə! Gooooooooo HUSKIESə‽

Well, marching bands being marching bands, they have to mess with the folks who are granted by the turn of Fortuna's wheel a seat right behind the band pit. So they'd toss out random letters each game, and had enough lungpower to make the changes stick. Yay band geeks?